Walk off Piece

I had an epiphany tonight at the gym, and it wasn't good. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we may be in trouble here re: our closer situation. There is one very important characteristic that all great closers share, and unfortunately for Red Sox nation, Jonathon Papelbon, as of yet, does not fall in. Before you get too worried, there is still time for our Papelbon not to turn into a Papelbust. He needs to grow some facial hair. Immediately.

I'm not talking about some cheesy goatee shit, I hate goatees (all due respect to whatever it is Jon Lester is trying to do down there in Pawtucket). He needs to make the decision between beard or stash. Maybe a Van Dyke. Maybe I'll give him mutton chops. Maybe. But I'm talking, "I'm following you into battle at Bull Run mutton chops." None of this pussy shit.

We need some Papelballs coming out of the back end of our bullpen. Think about it. All great closers, enduring closers, have had facial hair:

Jeff Reardon? Beard.

Rollie Fingers? C'mon, Rollie Fingers practically redefined facial hair with the, 'I'm cooler than Clark Gable and I fucking know it' mustache.

Rick Sutcliffe? Guy had a mustache in his high school yearbook picture. He did it all: beard, mustache, Van Dyke, you name it. He was the Daisuke Matsuzaka of facial hair.

Lee Smith? Beard. And lets not forget Lee was a black man. How many black men do you know with beards? Probably none. But, he was an elite closer and he knew the goddamn rules. So, he grew a beard.

Trevor Hoffman? Well, he's a tricky one. He almost always has something going on. But, it's usually one of those, 'level one' Norelco jobs, so he's hard to define. That keeps batters guessing, and it's taken him right to the top of a little thing called the all times saves list. I'd bet cash if you did a correlation between Trevor's clean shavenness and blown saves, it would be your mind that's getting blown and Kevin Towers himself would make sure Hoffman never bought another razor.

Dennis Eckersley? Maybe the mustache to end all mustaches. I don't think it's an overstatement to say there never would have been a porn industry if Eck had never grown that silky smooth bit of heaven beneath his nose. He may have quit drinking in the seventies, but he kept the stash. He knows what's what.

Mariano Rivera? Well, I'm not totally sure. I don't think anyone is. I'm pretty sure he has one of those pencil thin painter jobbies. But he is from Panama. Worth noting because I'm not even sure people from Panama can grow facial hair. But, I guarantee you one thing, he's trying. And the Save Gods have rewarded him for it.

John Franco? Guy had a five o'clock shadow by noon... to go along with his mustache.

Goose Gossage? The man goes by Goose. You think he doesn't have facial hair? He has a mustache that would make Gen. McClellan blush.

You smelling a trend here?

There's also been closers who have dominated for a period only to flame out. Real lights out guys. Tough as nails guys. But, all of a sudden, the mystic is dead and they're getting traded for Willie Harris and cash.

Do names like Bobby Thigpen and Heathcliff Slocumb mean anything to you? How about Armondo Benitez and Greg Olsen? They had their moments, but not that one binding theme that the fraternity of elite closers all share: dominant facial hair.

Now, I may be crazy. Maybe it got to me, watching all of the replays of Papelbackbackback over the course of the day. But, this needs to be relayed to our golden boy. There's only so far that that psycho staredown can take him. You can always figure out a Hannibal Lector, they're sociopaths, you can get to the bottom of that. But, not crazy.

Look, no one ever called Mel Gibson crazy until he grew that Bin Laden on his face, but now, even mom thinks he's crazy. It's almost as if he never made What Women Want. Crazy never goes away. You don't know what to expect, but you do know one thing, you're on your toes if crazy's in the room. That's a wildcard, and that's what you need out of your closer.

Papelbeard? Coming soon to a diamond near you? We call hope. For the sake of the Nation.